a) disappointed with the results of his liposuction
procedure.
b) afraid to tell his grandmother that he doesn't
like the scarf she knitted him for Christmas.
c) the current record holder for not only the
longest, but also the most visible small
intestine in North America.
The correct answer is, of course:
d) wearing Augusto’s Safety Suit for Aviators.
Augusto explains that “by means of an air pump…, compressed air is pumped into the convolutions of the suit of such a force to make the suit capable of resisting…all shocks and crushing forces to which an aviator may be subjected when the flying machine stops and falls to the ground.” He also notes that the opening at the top of the suit should be “the size of the face of an aviator” which, apparently, is either larger or smaller than that of the general population (“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Richard. I see by the size of your face that you’re an aviator.”)
Ellis’s Flying Apparatus
Patented 1917
Incredibly, Ellis came up with this beauty 14 years AFTER the Wright Brothers made their famous Kitty Hawk flight - and, unfortunately, one year prior to the invention of Gustav’s Safety Suit for Aviators (see above).
Ellis’s Flying Apparatus is worn over the shoulders and includes a motorized propeller and working control surfaces but, to the best of our knowledge, no beverage service. We don’t know if Ellis ever actually got his apparatus off the ground, but our research does indicate a dramatic improvement in his 100-meter dash times.
John’s Hunting Decoy
Patented 1897
The battle between guy and bird has long been a lopsided one, due largely to the vast difference in brain size. But that hasn’t stopped guys from trying. John created his clever Hunting Decoy over a century ago, presumably hoping to take advantage of that old bird axiom: “Hey, we may not live forever, but at least we won’t get shot by a cow.”
Here's the concept – two guys, disguised as a cow, amble out into an open field, conducting themselves in a cow-like manner (the guy in back may find ambling a bit difficult due to the placement of the udder). When the moment is right, the courageous sportsmen burst forth from various secret cow orifices and blast away to their hearts’ content. As an aside, should the hunter in front wish to play an extremely humorous prank on the hunter in the rear, he can amble seductively into the holding pen of Farmer Johnson’s prize Brahma bull.
Andrew and Harry’s Beverage Tray Sun Visor
Patented 1992
An invention needn’t be complicated to be practical and here’s a great idea for the guy who forgot to bring his hat to the game, yet still wants to enjoy the look and feel of nacho cheese in his hair.
Let’s hear about this incredible innovation in Andrew and Harry’s own words: “It is an object of this invention to provide a food or beverage tray which upon completion of the transportation function as a food or beverage tray for transporting food and or beverages…” – never mind...their own words are giving us a migraine.
Basically, these two guys (you didn’t think this could possibly be the work of only one, did you?) have brainstormed an idea which, they say, not only reduces the accumulation of trash at the ballpark, but will also prevent heatstroke (and here we figured having heatstroke is what would compel someone to wear a beverage tray on their head in the first place.) They also point out that the tray can be utilized as an advertising medium by printing messages on the bottom surface. (WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THIS MORON “DISAPPEAR”? Call Louie “Sausage Fingers” Altobelli at 555-1212)
Here are a few more spectacular guy inventions that aren't included in the book. Once again, all were approved by actual government-employed, professional patent examiners - each of whom I assume was subsequently terminated. All illustrations were provided by the inventors, themselves.
You may want to check back periodically for new additions to this collection.
In terms of achieving an even, full body tan, Nicholas was not satisfied with the status quo which, he says, made it necessary for a person to assume “various awkward and tiresome positions” while sunning himself. So he set about to create a device that would replace the word “various” with “tremendously”. It appears he’s succeeded.
Nicholas’s contraption rotates its occupant from front to back by means of either an electric motor or a ratcheting foot pedal mechanism. He says the supporting straps and chords can be unhooked as necessary in order to achieve a stripe free tan, but how anybody this side of Harry Houdini could actually manage that is beyond us. Even so, it sure beats the heck out of the excrutiating gyrations necessary to roll over on a blanket.
Nicholas insists that his largely metallic tanning apparatus is portable, which technically is true seeing that, as is the case with Kirstie Alley, it would be possible to move it if a powerful enough gantry crane was available. So grab an extension cord, a front end loader and Nicholas’s Portable Rotisserie Tanner and head to the beach – let’s just see some bully try and kick sand in your face when that face is suspended 4 ½ feet in the air.
Samuil’s Vomit Urinal
Patented 1998
A staggering amount of guy brainpower has been spent in the area of regurgitation. Unfortunately, most of it has been directed toward coming up with neat new terms to describe it, such as spewing, heaving, ralphing, retching, gagging, puking, barfing, hacking, yakking, yorking, horking, losing your lunch and driving the porcelain bus. I think we can all agree this has been time well spent.
I think we can also agree that it’s time to move in other directions, such as making the act of bellyblowing a more comfortable and hygienic process for the guy involved. Enter Samuil and his visionary Vomit Urinal, a device he trumpets as “a convenient place for a person to throw up.” Samuil’s appliance is mounted knee-sparingly high on the wall and equipped with a pair of handles to help the soon-to-be-expectorating retain his balance. This state-of-the-art regurgitation receptacle has a large opening that is “dimensioned for a user’s face to be placed therein for vomiting” as well as a motion sensor light that, Samuil explains, “will aid the user in seeing the large opening and prevent any messy situations.”
The mounting height also ensures that inebriated bar patrons won’t mistake Samuil’s unit for a standard urinal, but we still recommend you avoid using it in any establishment frequented by Shaquille O’Neal.
Anthony’s Skull-Mounted Hairpiece
Patented 1997
Hey, all you follicly-challenged guys out there. Are you tired of having that hairpiece fly off your head at inopportune moments, such as any time you’re within visual range of another human being? Well, Anthony has a solution that’s guaranteed to keep that rug firmly in place under all conditions up to and including the awkward mating attempts of a desperate North American beaver.
Anthony’s Skull-Mounted Hairpiece consists of numerous implants that are secured to the skull by threading them directly into the bone (36). An “abutment” is then threaded through the soft scalp tissue (38) and into the implant, creating a ball and socket joint for attaching the hairpiece (40 & 42) securely to the noggin. Anthony claims that his procedure is safe, although he does point out that “some concerns arise with respect to intrusion into the cranial vault [where, in rare cases, a guy’s brain may be located] as a result of the implant.”
Anthony explains that his hair replacement system will prevent “untimely detachment…while swimming, when exposed to high winds or during intimate situations”, although, all things considered, we can’t see his last point being much of an issue.
Reinhard’s Personal Sled
Patented 1987
During his frequent sledding excursions in upstate Washington, Reinhard noticed that folks using ordinary sleds “often experienced difficulty in remaining on such devices, and falls from such sleds have resulted in injury to the sledders.” His solution? A super slick polyethylene wrap-around sledding “jacket” that simulates falling off your sled at the top of the hill and then careening uncontrollably down the slope, crotch first, at breakneck speeds.
We have no way of verifying the claims of improved safety, but we can certainly see this innovation resulting in the Reinhard name becoming a household word (“Holy cow! Did you just see that guy Reinhard himself into that tree?”).
- Updated 10/8/08 (latest additions at the end)
John’s Basketball Trainer
Patented 1998
Basketball players spend long hours alone in the gym developing their shooting skills. The problem, as John sees it, is that “individual practice sessions cannot provide adequate preparation for 'real game' situations, when no opposing player is available to practice against.” Well, thanks to John’s Basketball Trainer a player may now prepare himself to shoot effectively while being guarded by an opponent, provided that opponent is a stationary cardboard doofus who bears a striking resemblance to Larry Bird with a cranial growth disorder.
Besides the bad haircut, John’s Trainer provides further distraction by means of a pneumatic forearm-elongation feature that is activated by jumping onto a rubber bladder (11), which forces air up through a system of tubing (14) to the arms. The end result is an easily storable, lightweight training aid that, eerily enough, really does approximate the defense played by Larry Bird in his heyday.
Bob’s Rod Holder
Patented 1961
For years the typical guy faced an unfortunate dilemma: the only way he could maintain his rod in a highly desirable, upright position was to grasp it firmly with both hands. This required tremendous concentration and stamina and, the second he loosened his grip, that rod would droop significantly. This was a source of great embarrassment and shame for many guys.
Bob’s device changed all that. That same guy is now able to keep his rod up and at the ready for hours at a time. Thanks to Bob, he has the confidence to strut proudly up and down the pier – ready to leap into action at the first sign of a tug or nibble - while men and women alike gaze upon his equipment with a mixture of astonishment and admiration.
Francis’ Human Free-Flight Amusement Devices
Patented 1984
If there’s one thing guys look for in a voluntary entertainment activity it’s the possibility of sustaining significant injury, and what better way to achieve that than by being jettisoned through the air toward an undersized airbag while wearing no safety equipment whatsoever? Well, you could eliminate the airbag altogether, but we’re not here to quibble.
Francis describes multiple variations of his design, which he claims enables the user to experience “the sensation of weightlessness” (not to mention brainlessness). In explaining his concepts in guy-heaving, Francis states, “A person is launched into a parabolic free flight trajectory by a pneumatic-powered accelerating device. The person is then caught and safely decelerated by a retriever.” Now hold on, guys – there’s no need to panic. We’re fairly certain the term “safely” was only thrown in there by Francis in case the patent examiner happened to be a woman. There’s clearly plenty of serious damage to be sustained, here. “It is obvious”, says Francis, “that accelerating people into the air by machine in an inadequately controlled manner could be highly dangerous.” That’s what we’re counting on, Francis. That’s exactly what we’re counting on.
Dale’s Party Shirt
Patented 1991
Are you a guy who has a difficult time communicating with members of the opposite sex, including women? Do you become so overwrought with anxiety that you find it impossible to convey even the most basic personal information, such as what you’re in the mood for?
Well, Dale has just the item for you. Let those gals find out for themselves what you’re all about when you wear the informative, interactive Party Shirt, a garment packed with useful features including, according to Dale, “a waist opening, a neck opening and sleeve openings.” Every shirt should be so well thought out.
Although the shirt can be designed to say virtually anything, the “I’M IN THE MOOD FOR:” line is by far Dale’s most popular. Besides the classic “PARTYIN’”, other available messages include “NASAL DECONGESTANT”, “RIDICULE” and “SPENDING SATURDAY NIGHT ALONE IN MY PARENTS’ BASEMENT REFORMATTING MY HARD DRIVE”
For many more examples of limited guy brain wave activity, check out
Let’s face it – not all guys enjoy exercise. Couch potatoes, for instance. Or chubby fellas. Well, even the most sedentary among us needs to maintain a modicum of neck strength – after all, we don’t want our head plopping into our bowl of chili cheese dip while we’re sprawled out on the sofa watching Dancing With the Stars now, do we?
Well, John’s neck exerciser is just what the doctor ordered (yes, this particular doctor was clearly insane). John’s clever device consists of a cable (20) with a weight (21) secured to one end. The cable is attached to a helmet (1) by means of a pivoting arm (18) which allows the weight to be swung around the body of a doofus (22) who has assumed the recommended exercising posture, thumbs secured snuggly within his waist band.
A simple rhythmic rotation of the head will send the weight into motion and any pets or small children in the vicinity to the emergency room. John’s device may also be worn in the workplace as it’s great for keeping annoying coworkers at a distance.
actual patent illustration
Lorenzo and Libertad's Skate Chute
Patented 1992
Lorenzo and Libertad claim that “it may be appreciated that there continues to be a need for a new and improved parachute and skate apparatus.” Well, it may be, but we wouldn’t bet on it.
The concept is simple: the parachute catches wind currents and propels the skater along his chosen surface so long as, our astute inventors point out, “the individual has the roller skate members worn in a manner as illustrated.” That’s right, guys. While wearing your skates on your head or down the front of your trousers is perfectly acceptable under most circumstances, it’s “feet only” while being dragged up and down the boulevard with your scab-inducing skate chute.
actual patent illustration
Frank and Don's Combover
Patented 1977
Common solutions to partial baldness among guys include hair weaves, transplants and hairpieces – methods deemed unacceptable by Frank and Don due to the fact they “generally cost money.” So what alternative do these guys offer to the teeming masses of balding tightwads out there? Why, none other than their patented Triple Combover technique. Following is the simple three step process to obtaining a full head of hair that no one will laugh at hysterically:
Step 1 – Determine whether you are a candidate for the procedure. This may be accomplished quite simply by walking into the nearest bar and asking the first single woman you see if you can buy her a drink. If she responds with the phrase “Get lost, cue ball”, you are a candidate.
Step 2 - After letting what hair you do have grow out to about four inches in length, fold the two sides and the back up onto the barren scalp in layers and drench with hairspray.
Step 3 – Avoid all human contact.
actual patent illustrations
Lewis' Helicopter
Patented 1958
Yes, it’s a helicopter.
Yes, the operator balances on a tiny platform mere inches above the whirling, Cuisinart-style blades.
Yes, Lewis is a guy.
actual patent illustrations
Philip and Eric's Relaxation Helmet
Patented 2002
If you’re a guy, the pressures of modern day work life can often seem overwhelming. Will you still have your job in a week? How will you put the kids through college? Is your boss going to find out that the 23 hours a week you charge to “computer training” is actually spent playing World of Warcraft on your company iPhone? Honestly, what guy in his right mind wouldn’t relish the thought of sneaking out of work a bit early to crack open a beer and duck into Philip and Eric’s resplendent Relaxation Helmet?
This soothing cranial cocoon, which incorporates a vibrating element to help relax overburdened brain cells, is designed to be pulled down over the eyes and ears, providing welcome relief from the hectic hustle and bustle of the surrounding environment. The inside of the helmet is lined with ceramic magnets to help increase the blood flow in the head. “Gripping jaws”, which the inventors state can be made by “modifying a hedge shear”, are also provided to clamp down around the helmet and provide increased vibration to the skull. The result is the world’s only patented relaxation helmet to receive the emphatic endorsement of Jason Voorhees.
actual patent illustration
James' Relationship Simulator
Patented 1977
Guys have a difficult time grasping the nuances of the male/female relationship. And we’re not talking “guys” in general but, rather, EVERY SINGLE GUY. Finally, after exhaustive research and experimentation aimed at taking the guesswork out of the process, James offers up his Relationship Simulator. “By adjustment and interpretation of the dial settings and decision indications”, James states, “ paradoxes and problems in man-woman relationships are demonstrated.”
That’s right, guys. Through the simple manipulation of a few knobs and switches, James’ device will allow you to analyze virtually any combination of male and female feelings and emotions and determine, scientifically, that you will be spending the night on the sofa.
actual patent illustration
Shao-Chun's Anatomical Amusement Ride
Patented 1989
Hop aboard the motorized tram (see top drawing), enter the gigantic gentleman’s mouth and hold on tight as you and your fellow thrillseekers are whisked away on an adventure that approximates the journey of a wet burrito through a standard guy’s digestive tract. You’ll also be treated, whether you like it or not, to a plunge through what Shao-Chun refers to as “the scrotal cavity”. Bonus internal attractions include a detour through our fella’s significant other for a quick peak at her brain, lungs and (ugh) reproductive system, which features a lifelike, albeit enormous, fetus (not real surprising considering the beer (38), chips (292) and boom box (290) present in the bed).
actual patent illustrations
Kamran's Facial Hair Trimming Guide
Patented 2003
Designed for the artistically challenged guy, Kamran’s device projects adjustable bands of light onto the face which serve as templates to aid in proper trimming of the mustache and sideburns. Hey, if it’s good enough for Harrison Ford (fig. 2) who are we to criticize?
actual patent illustrations
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It’s bold. It’s inspired. It’s awkward to explain to airline security personnel when they pull it out of your carry on bag. It’s James’ Lotion Applicator and it supplies what many guys, particular those with an abundance of back hair, have no other hope of obtaining – an actual hand to apply sun screen to those impossible to reach bodily areas. The fluid of choice is pumped into the applicator and released through openings in the articulating “hand”, which is motorized to provide a massaging effect (in an attempt to retain a shred of professionalism, we won’t include the joke here that just popped into our head.)
actual patent illustration
Robert's Water Lounge
Patented 1976
Robert’s Water Lounge is the perfect outdoor accessory for the overheated guy who longs for new and exciting ways to spend a little one-on-one time with his rubber ducky. Simply fill it up with water and hop on in to experience a sensation that can only be described as “sitting in water”. It’s like having a bathtub in your own backyard – so much like it, in fact, that you’ll have concerned neighbors filing formal police complaints in no time. Side tray tables and an adjustable back support offer added comfort and convenience while the fish motif and umbrella fringe lend an air of welcome masculinity. Neptune himself never had it so good.
Note: We recommend you drag yourself out of your Water Lounge at least once a week in order to change the water. Again, this is only a recommendation.
actual patent illustration
Brian, Devin and Geoff’s Beer Dispensing Lawn Chair
Patented 2005
As if in direct answer to the question “how can I modify my lawn chair so that it will give me an ice cold beer whenever I pull down on a handy lever“, Brian, Devin and Geoff have developed the long overdue Beer Dispensing Lawn Chair. And word has it the guys are working on a bratwurst dispensing ottoman as we speak.
actual patent illustration
Kirby’s Insulated Beverage Container
Patented 1992
Welcome to the ultimate in non-powered outdoor beverage cooling technology. The system is pretty much self-explanatory, although Kirby is quick to point out that the “positioning of the straw (30) is of particular importance to enable consumption of the beverage while…lying on a person’s stomach [Kirby doesn’t specify whose] or sitting in a beach chair.” A stripped down, floating version (below) is also available, presumably so you can send one last cool beverage out to a drowning buddy.
actual patent illustrations
Fred's Helium-Filled Sun Shade
Patented 1991
If you happen to be an outdoorsman, you surely realize the importance of protecting yourself from the sun. With the continued erosion of the ozone layer, even moderate exposure can leave you looking like an extra in a George Romero film. Unfortunately, sunscreen lotions are messy and inconvenient while umbrellas are cumbersome and require the use of at least one hand to operate. Outdoorsmen just hate this.
Well, Fred has come up with a solution that’s perfect for anyone who weighs over 12 ounces and possesses a set of armpits. It’s his revolutionary Sun Shade, which he describes as a flat Mylar “balloon” that, once filled with helium, “maintains the sun shade in position above the individual’s head, while keeping both of the individual’s hands free for other activities” such as grabbing hold of a tree trunk when a gust of wind hits.
Note: Depending on the level of outdoorsman you are, you may choose to inhale a bit of the helium, thereby allowing you to converse with chipmunks and other small, woodland creatures.
actual patent illustrations
Kathy's Automatic Clothing Selector
Patented 2002
Although the vast majority of inventions highlighted in these articles are the result of male ingenuity, every once in a while someone like Kathy comes along and reminds us that women, too, can suffer from a lack of blood flow to the brain.
After exhaustive study and painstaking research, Kathy has come to the following apparel-related conclusions:
1. “Shorts may be appropriate clothing on a hot day, and a coat
may be appropriate clothing on a cold day.”
2. “If a coat is worn on a hot day, a person might suffer from heat
exhaustion. If shorts are worn on a cold day, a person might
suffer from hypothermia.”
And, potentially most disturbing…
3. “The person may have to change clothes later in the day
…resulting in a delay which can cause a person to be late for
an engagement.”
With the seriousness of the threat identified, how best, then, to eliminate such costly clothing blunders? As a sentient being, you have four basic options:
1. Check your local weather report.
2. Stick your head out a window.
3. Hire a professional contractor to install one of Kathy’s
Automatic Clothing Selectors in which a roof-mounted
sensor (16) determines the current outside temperature
and sends a signal to a closet-mounted indicator (13),
which then flashes a colored light (14) corresponding to
the hanger color (12) which holds clothing (18)
appropriate for that particular temperature.
4. Move to the Arctic Circle.
actual patent illustrations
John's Swimming Device
Patented 1920
Some of us would give our right leg to be able to swim better, which would probably be a better option than what John has come up with.
He claims his swimming device “will assist in causing the arms and legs to be moved in the proper manner and relation to each other when learning to swim.” Then again, he also claims that his invention “provides a device…which is comparatively simple in its construction”, so take that for what it’s worth.
actual patent illustrations
Try as we might, some of us just aren’t good swimmers. And it isn’t for lack of effort. It’s because our bodies possess the buoyancy characteristics of anvils. Over the years, America’s best and brightest have worked to develop solutions to this problem. Unfortunately, so have these guys.
Nick's Swimming Appliance
Patented 1932
Nick’s contribution to enhanced swimwear is a conglomeration of flaps, straps and buckles that he insists “will give to the swimmer the means a fish has” and “make swimming more enjoyable to those who wear it.” I don’t know about that, but it will definitely make swimming more enjoyable to those who watch someone else wear it.
Nick further states that an individual wearing his device will have the advantage of swimming “with less effort than will be required of a swimmer not wearing my device.” Of course, the individual not wearing the device will have a few advantages of his own, including retaining his dignity.
Note: In case you were wondering, Nick refers to the lower left hand illustration as a “rear view” of the swimmer.
John and Manuel's Swimming Apparatus
Patented 1911
Drowning is a horrific, terrifying, painful experience resulting in death for the victim and untold grief for his family and friends. But it sure beats the heck out of wearing this.
In describing their apparatus, John and Manuel state that “the flexible cord connections between the anklets (15) and the wings (17), afford powerfully enhanced means of propulsion through the water…inspiring confidence and aiding the wearer in acquiring the natural art of swimming.” “Within a short time”, they continue, “any beginner using our appliance will naturally fall into the same positions and actions when deprived of the appliance as when it is being worn.” We can only assume these actions include curling up in a fetal ball of shame.
Raymond’s Combined Camouflage and Decoy Device
Patented 1993
As the next step in guys’ never ending battle to outsmart wildlife with brains the size of raisins, Raymond offers up his Combined Camouflage and Decoy Device. Bagging that elusive goose is now as easy as 1, 2, 3:
1. Put on the Combined Camouflage and Decoy Device.
2. Find a nice comfortable spot in the shade.
3. Shoot the other geese when they fly over to ask your decoy goose where he got the sweet cape.
Edwin’s Safety Clothing
Patented 2003
Old people fall down a lot, often injuring themselves in the process. Well, Edwin has come up with a way to alleviate this problem and a quick glance at the illustration above reveals his plan for the elderly – to make them feel so ridiculous they refuse to leave the house.
Edwin says his clothing, which may be either inflatable or of a foam rubber construction, can be decorated in patterns such as flowers, butterflies, “gundy berries” or “whatever else would be appealing to the elderly [tapioca, perhaps?]”
Regardless of your feelings toward Edwin, the fact that he put so much time, effort and money into the development of this Safety Clothing says something about the man:
he hates old people.
…and it doesn’t appear he’s real fond of children, either.
actual patent illustration
actual patent illustrations
Hesh’s Portable Rain Covering
Patented 1995
You’re outside, with no shelter in sight, and it begins to rain. You don’t have an umbrella with you. What do you do? If you’re on the ball, you reach into your pocket, pull out Hesh’s Portable Rain Covering and place it on your head. If you’re really on the ball, you unfold and inflate it first.
Hesh says that “the curtain may contain appropriately placed openings to allow for communication by or to the user”, which will allow for interaction like this:
actual patent illustrations
Charles’ Multi-Person Plank Game
Patented 1976
You younger readers out there might be curious what we older folks did for fun when we were kids, back before there were any good video games. Well, we would do things like build tree houses, make paper airplanes or grab a couple of buddies and hop aboard one of these bad boys. Sure, it would take some effort, but once we got our timing down we were able to cruise along effortlessly at speeds approaching 10 feet per hour. And here’s a little tip should you ever have the good fortune to ride one of these yourself: Always grab the front spot because, as you can see by the facial expressions in the illustration, the fun quotient gradually decreases as you move rearward.
actual patent illustration
Samuel’s Life Preserver Bubble
Patented 1973
Samuel had high hopes that his zippered bubbles would replace life preservers and rafts on seagoing vessels.
“Attention passengers! This is your Captain speaking. We have sustained some heavy damage so everyone must climb into their Life Preserver Bubbles immediately. In brighter news, I’ll be going down with the ship.”
actual patent illustrations
Man without Portable Rain Covering: “Dude, that’s really a sweet little device you’ve got there.”
Man wearing Portable Rain Covering: “Thanks. I’ve had it for about a month now and I …..”
Man without Portable Rain Covering: “Dude, that was sarcasm.”
actual patent illustration
Tom and Ken’s Mowing Apparatus
United States Patent #5,410,864 - 1995
Here is the perfect solution for the guy who wants to start his own lawn maintenance company, but fears his $37 in available start-up capital won’t get it done. With Tom and Ken’s Mowing Apparatus, not only will equipment expenses be minimal, but labor costs will also be low as the inventors assure us their apparatus works equally well with a tricycle (they really do).
The innovative duo has high hopes that their miraculous mower will gain popularity, forever altering the landscaping landscape. But they remain cautious. “Up until now”, Tom (or Ken) points out, “use of pedal driven mowing apparatus has not gained widespread acceptance.” Imagine that.
actual patent illustrations
Domenic’s Life Preserver
United States Patent #1,292,587 - 1919
Perhaps in response to the Titanic disaster several years earlier, Domenic created his state-of-the-art, multi-faceted aquatic life preservation system that can best be described as “unattractive”. Domenic’s ensemble consisted of a vest, two mouth-inflatable underarm air sacks and an elastic-necked head covering designed to keep its wearer from swallowing salt water. Alas, no one knows whether his life preserver actually worked since whenever anyone put it on, they were immediately beaten to death with deck chairs by the other passengers.
actual patent illustration
Charles’ Pet Urn
United States Patent #6,785,938 - 2004
We’ve all heard the old adage about the dog being man’s best friend. Well, he’s a guy’s best friend, too. Heck, he’s often a guy’s only friend, at his side through thick and thin – and Charles’ Pet Urn guarantees he’ll remain there for decades.
Charles says his urn is fashioned in “the likeness of the deceased pet, including fur, whiskers and color markings that match those of the deceased pet.” The result is a lifelike tribute to the beloved pooch which, aside from having three fewer brain cells, is an exact replica in every way. The cremated remains may be accessed by unscrewing the animal’s head, a process that may appear a tad inhumane to friends and neighbors who were unaware of the animal’s passing.
actual patent illustration
Alfred’s Ventilated Coffin
United States Patent #36,660, 1862
If you think Grandpa emits some foul gas now, just wait until he passes away. It may get to the point where you won’t even want the casket containing his decomposing husk lying around the house anymore.
Alfred attempted to address this issue over 150 years ago with the invention of his Ventilated Coffin, to which a rubber bladder, a valve and a hose assembly are connected. Over time, the bladder will inflate, indicating the presence of what Alfred calls “offensive gases arising from the dead bodies being placed therein”. The valve may then be opened, releasing Grandpa’s fetid fumes into the outside air where they are free to waft gently throughout the surrounding community.
Or, you could just bury him and be done with it.
actual patent illustrations
Dean’s Sputnik Cap
United States Patent #2,971,082, 1961
If your automobile has ever broken down in the middle of the night, you are no doubt aware of the danger presented by passing traffic as you attempt to repair the problem. At least Dean was, which is why he created his ingenious Sputnik Cap, a lighted, translucent, spiked plastic helmet that glows in the dark “in order to warn approaching motorists of the presence of an individual along a highway.” Results have been varied.
“Harold, look! That poor man is being attacked by a radioactive porcupine! Run him over and end his misery.”
actual patent illustration
Jack’s Vacuum Pants
United States Patent #4,230,114, 1980
At first glance, you might assume that Jack’s device performs a similar function to Alfred’s coffin above. After closer examination, however, you would realize that our little lady is in search of a standard household vacuum to attach to her outlet hose (51) so that, according to Jack, “the continuous evacuation of air will cause the pant material to press against the user’s body to induce sweating during an exercise routine with the effect that overall girth reduction is promoted.” And, really, who among us isn’t in favor of overall girth reduction?
Jack adds that his pants, which are one-size-fits-all and suitable for both men and women, should be worn with “preferably no undergarment”. (Note to self: preferably never EVER borrow someone else’s vacuum pants).
